17 Nov My Healing Journey
My Healing Journey and My Feminine and Masculine Energy
I’ve spent the last nearly 10 years focused on healing myself and my issues. Healing and clearing all the issues that were blocking me from being my full authentic self, blocking me from living a full happy life, blocking me from achieving my potential.
Learning to become more balanced has been a big part of this healing and learning journey. In fact if there was a theme for my healing journey it would be Balance. I became aware early on in my journey that I was all action, doing, doing, doing, busy all the time. Which I later came to learn was all masculine energy. I realised that this busyness was partly because I had a huge fear of having downtime and being with myself. The knowing that if I sat still I wouldn’t be able to hide from how unhappy I was. The fear of facing that unhappiness and the issues behind it was huge.
Moving through my healing journey, I realised that I had shut down my feminine side. I was working as accountant in Insolvency, which was at the time was a male dominated area, doing project work, all left brain Masculine energy. The work environment did not encourage you to behave or even talk like a woman. I know I actively tried to fit in as I understood being feminine/expressing my feminine energy would not be accepted and would hold me back. So I even changed the way I spoke from “I feel … to I think ….”.
It wasn’t just the work I did and the work environment that lead to me shutting down my feminine side. The world in general operates in way suited to male energy. There is a lack of the feminine energy in how the world operates. Masculine energy is celebrated and feminine energy is ignored, demeaned or perceived as weak. Which doesn’t make any sense considering men and women both have masculine and feminine energy. But this conditioning then encourages men and women looking for external validation, to develop their masculine energy at the expense of their feminine energy.
I didn’t have a lot of feminine energy around me growing up. I grew up with five brothers and no sisters. My father died when I was young and my mother took on the job of being mother & father. Growing up I heard the message from my brothers regularly that men were better than women. And I hated it. Later my therapist asked me “What would I be doing if I wasn’t trying to prove anything to anyone?” I realised with disgust that most of the jobs I had had were about proving to my brothers that I was just as good as they were. Just as good as them, just as strong and tough as them and just as smart as them.
In addition to all this I was raped in my early twenties. I survived the rape but I knew I couldn’t deal with the effects of it. So I went into survival mode and shut down that pain and put it in a box and buried it. I swore I would never be victim and I would not let this stop me from living my life. FYI – this coping strategy did not work.
This event of course was the biggest blow to my femininity. I was a women and I was raped. If I hadn’t been a woman, I would not have been raped. My femininity made me weak and vulnerable. I was determined never to feel weak and vulnerable again. Feeling my feelings (a feminine energy process) about the event did not feel like something I could cope with, my feelings were a threat to my survival and they just had to be buried. I shut down my feminine energy and leaned fully into my masculine energy.
My healing journey started when I eventually went to therapy, approximately 10 years after I was raped, in which time I told no one, completely suppressed it and denied to myself that it had ever happened. Survival mode.
As I became aware of how shut down my feminine side was I started doing little things to remedy this. I started wearing skirt suits instead of trouser suits to work, eventually I started wearing dresses. I did creative hobby evening courses. I started reading books about feminine and masculine energy to understand both better.
At the time, I thought I was the only one who had this issue with their femininity. I just assumed everyone else was healthy and balanced and happy. As I started to heal and recover myself, I realised that this wasn’t the case. So many people are out of balance in so many ways. So many people are wounded in so many ways.
On my journey, in or around 2011, I discovered Reiki Energy healing. I loved it and couldn’t get enough of it. I ended up becoming a Reiki Master and Practitioner, I want everyone to experience the comfort, peace and sense of wellness that a Reiki treatment can provide. It became very clear to me in my Reiki Training that my life purpose was about helping people to heal.
Then I came across Havening Techniques for healing trauma and anxiety based disorders including PTSD and did my training to become a practitioner in 2016. At this stage my own trauma around my rape had already been cleared, the old fashioned long hard way. I was a bit sickened to find out that there was now this Havening Technique ® that could heal Trauma within 1-2 sessions. But I was also overjoyed for the people this would help.
In April 2018 I trained with Miranda Grey as a level 1 Moon Mother ® learning to channel Divine Feminine energy healing for Womb Blessings and Womb Healings. I loved it and needed it. I completed my level 2 Moon Mother training in July 2019. I now offer this Divine Feminine healing to men and women. I’ve been running a womb blessing group since November 2018. Once a month at the full moon. For me it’s a celebration of women and our feminine energy, our connection with the moon and nature. It’s a space to just be with other women and sit and soak in the energy of the Divine Feminine and each other. It’s about restoring our connection to our feminine energy, understanding it better and learning to respect and value it. This is a huge part of the healing of my femininity. And there’s still deeper healing for me to do around this part of myself.
However, back to my theme of balance. To become a balanced individual I need to heal and engage with both my feminine energy and my masculine energy.
I think of feminine and masculine energy as a pair of muscles that work together. However if one of those muscles is not used then the other has to do all the work which in time leads it to become worn out, damaged, unbalanced and unhealthy.
I know my left brain and masculine energy is well developed. Yet maybe this masculine energy needs to be celebrated in a similar way to my feminine energy, which is celebrated through the womb blessing. This will surely create more balance and harmony within me.
It has been in my awareness for some time that I will at some point start channelling the Divine Masculine energy. This is something that I had put on the long finger and was waiting until I felt “ready”. However, in a discussion in my last womb blessing group I was asked to do this. It seems regardless of how ready I feel, the time is now. I have now started channelling the Divine Masculine energy. In my next womb blessing group I will incorporate a healing of our feminine and masculine energies and give Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine energy healing for the women in the group. This will be a celebration of both energies and aspects of ourselves and a way of creating that sacred union within ourselves.
It seems in order to heal my whole self I must heal restore and celebrate not just my feminine energy but also my masculine energy. This seems kind of obvious at one level and yet it came as a surprise that I would be working with the Divine Masculine energy. I’m excited to see how this plays out.
I’m not sure what prompted me to write this post and such a long post, but something did and I couldn’t ignore it. Sharing this much of my story feels exposing and brings up that sense of vulnerability. Its way out of my comfort zone. Hopefully something in my story will help someone out there.